Adult Online Business

There are many different businesses flourishing today, some of them succeed and some don’t. But if there’s one type of business that is sure to make a boom at one point in time, it’s an online business. As many people are becoming fully dependent on the internet it’s no surprise how they will also do their purchases online. There are many business strategies online: affiliate marketing, paid surveys and what not. But one of the top business strategies online is owning a website, like an adult website. An adult website, though often banned, still makes a good business as majority of the reasons why people surf the net it to watch pornography. And owning an adult online business is so easy. Here’s how to start:

Fist you must choose the focal point of your adult site, whether it’s a combination of genders, exclusive for gays and lesbians, etc. This will help you start off more easily and know which market you’re trying to cater to.

When you more or less know where you’re getting at create and register a domain name. This is the part of the web address that serves as the main name of your site. Your domain name must be short, catchy and fully related to your site. If it’s meant to refer to an adult website, it should have the terms ‘x’, ‘sex’, ‘adult’, ‘porno’, ‘red light’, or anything like that. After registering your unique domain name, choose a web hosting that will serve up your site. This will make sure your site appears when it’s entered on a web browser.

The most important part of having an adult online business is paying attention to any laws regarding pornography. Since it’s often attached to a bandwidth, you must ask how you can place a disclaimer on your site making sure that it’s strictly for those of at least 18 years of age. Make sure you know a lawyer you can hire just in case you have objections or legal problems while running your site.

Now it’s time to prepare the contents of your site. Since you will most likely be hiring pornography models and actors, ask each of them to prepare their papers and any form of identification stating that they are of legal age. If you plan to let your site accept video uploads from those who offer their home made movies, make an effort to find out about their identities too.

When you have all the needed adult content, build your website, making sure it has the necessary disclaimer. Make the layout of the site easy on the eyes and be sure it will be easy for customers to navigate in, out and around your website. When the pages are ready upload all the photographs and videos.

Sign up an account for credit cards so you can collect money for paid subscription from clients who choose to become paying subscribers to your site. The technique is to give great free samples and exciting teasers that will entice these customers to download full videos and become regulars of your site.

Once your adult online business is ready, it’s time to advertise and heighten your page rank on search engines. Exchange links with other adult sites or sex toy sites and have them advertise your adult site. Other than that continually update your contents with new photos and videos so that clients and search engines will pay attention to your business

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Sex Instructional Video

There are many people out there who are still virgins or are simply beginning to become sexually active. They do not want to learn from the so called “professionals” of the porn industry. They simply want to learn how to please their partner through a sex instructional video. Luckily, there are many great instructional videos on the basic sexual positions and how to preform during intercourse. However, there are very few people who know where to find these videos or how they can learn to preform correctly.

Well, one of the best sources for sex instructional videos is the internet. Not only are there a wide variety of videos out there, but many of them are highly educational in value. Best of all, you do not have to feel embarrassed about watching them, because the only person who will know is you. You can immediately shut it off if you feel that you are not ready, or rewind it if you did not understand a portion of it.

Another great place to find sex instructional videos is your local library. Many libraries put these in a restricted section, or may possibly place them in a hard to locate area. Also, not every library will carry these types of videos as they may think that they are smut or “dirty”. This is not true! They are instructing you on something that is a natural human desire and activity. You should not feel ashamed or confused about something that is only natural. If it is only natural, then there is no problem in learning how to do it correctly.

Yet another resource for finding these sex instructional videos would be your local adult book or video store. While many of these stores sell a large collection of pornographic videos, most of them also have a section where they will sell or rent a collection of sexual instructional videos. While they might not have the best selection, they will at least get you started in the right direction. Your local movie rental store may also have an adult section, however, it is highly unlikely that they will stock any instructional videos. This is simply because of how they would not move as fast as the pornographic content.

A final source would be to purchase the videos online through Amazon or eBay. Then you could have the instructional videos delivered to your door by the USPS, UPS or Fedex. However, unless you live at your own home or apartment, there may be some issues with privacy. While that is normally fine, it may not be the best idea with the videos you are getting. People might look at you as weird, or strange, but there is nothing wrong with this. It is simply one way to learn how to engage in sexual intercourse.

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Sex and Violence in Video Games Turns Off Many Gamers

As the video game industry evolves and the average age of gamers themselves increases, we see more “adult-oriented” games reaching the shelves. Just like sex and violence tends to sell more movies, it seems they would sell more video games as well.

However, there are some adult gamers that don’t find this Rated M content mature at all. On the contrary, some games seem to be adding sex, nudity and violence just for the shock value and when it has nothing to do with the storyline of the game. Age of Conan was a great example. After the launch of this MMO, there were tons of obviously immature players running around with topless female characters just to see some “boobies”.

Discussions about sex and violence in video games are surrounding nearly every gaming community with many claiming the genre is “moving forward” or “growing up”. Still there are many who aren’t pleased with the direction some game companies are going.

Sex, violence, nudity and profanity are not to be confused with maturity even if these games do come with a “mature” rating from the ESRB. We need to end the mindset that the more sex and violence a game has, the more mature it is. In fact, in most cases, it is quite the opposite. A mature adult is not going to enjoy a game that has needless nudity or profanity in it just for the shock value.

On the flip side, there are some games which do not contain sex, violence or nudity and do not get labeled with the “M” rating but that are still not child appropriate. Some of these complex and adult-oriented storylines are better suited to a mature audience that is capable of handling the complex story.

When mature content is part of a storyline and game plot that makes sense, it is more accepted by the gaming community. Those who choose not to expose themselves to certain types of content can always opt not to play the game.

But when you cross the line from what makes sense in a mature video game to blatant sex, nudity, violence, gore and profanities just for the sake of having obscene content and drawing attention, you’re actually losing your more mature gamers.

Gaming companies are not making a statement by producing controversial content. Instead, they are insulting the intelligence and maturity of their once-loyal fans by insinuating that we want nothing more from our games than nudity, gore and vulgarity.

Gaming used to be about the experience, especially with MMOs and RPGs. There was something special, even magical, about watching the story unfold as you experience it first-hand. Mature rated content isn’t always needed to portray a mature story and in many cases, it turns the story into a locker room joke shared between pre-pubescent boys.

Ultimately it comes down to a personal choice when determining what content is or isn’t offensive and what’s appropriate to a video game. However, the very fact that this is now an issue in video games means people need to start checking the games they play (or let their children play) more closely.

See “100 Days to Better Article Writing ” to find out how you can become a master of article writing today.

Lisa Mason is a freelance writer with a specialty in Internet content and SEO articles and the author of How to Earn a Living Writing for the Internet. She has written thousands of articles, hundreds of ebooks and thousands of website pages and related content in her 10+ years as a professional writer.

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Safe Sex and Dating With Video Chat

Finding a date for Saturday night has become a lot easier with the onslaught of online dating. Rather than perusing the malls and grocery stores looking for eligible and attractive singles, those looking for a date can now peruse an endless list of specialty and regional dating sites, examining profiles and messaging potential interests within almost any criteria. As for those without a date for Saturday night, it is never too late to find that someone special. With adult dating and hook up sites also a growing trend, those left at home can still engage in some illicit activities of the adult nature. Many of the better adult dating and hook up sites now offer such features as group chat rooms, private chat rooms, instant messaging, VOIP phone, and now even private video chat. Can you even imagine the kinds of trouble you can now get into even from the confines of your own home?

While many online date seekers are still reluctant to embrace video chat, it seems the pros now far outweigh the cons. You see, with free dating sites, financed by Google advertising, becoming more and more popular, so to is date scamming. Date scamming refers to scammers who use fake profiles on (mostly) free dating sites to make contact with other members. Using fake pictures and information, these scammers usually try to encourage members to e-mail them directly. This way, these scammers can enter a free dating website, message dozens and dozens of members, and move on to the next free site. They never actually have to return to the site of origin, but instead wait to receive e-mails at one of their own fake e-mail accounts. These scammers than try to build a relationship with you, only to solicit money or banking information soon down the road. With video chat, members can now confirm at least the visual identity of the person they are communicating with. Though this might seem a bit frightening to some, it’s a lot more frightening to imagine what that gorgeous guy are girl you’ve been chatting with really looks like.

If the person you are interested in refuses to join you in a private video chat for even a minute or two, you should be very concerned. Though many may indeed be shy, or concerned over the possibility of you recording the chat, they need to be made aware that these are small prices to pay. Insist that you just want to confirm their identity, and that afterwards you will be satisfied with regular chat or instant messaging. Remember, however, that confirming what somebody looks like is only the first step. When you do choose to move your relationship offline, always meet somewhere public, preferably with a friend close by, and never leave to go somewhere private without first informing someone you know of where you’re going. Meeting people online for dating, or even just for casual sex, can be extremely fun and rewarding, so long as you take all the necessary precautions. Condoms, of course, are always an absolute must.

As for those who want to use video chat for more than just confirming identity, the possibilities are indeed endless. Remember, however, that video capture software is becoming more and more accessible and sophisticated. Even if the video chat software you are using does indeed make it difficult for others to record you, there is always software out there that will find a way. Be aware that anything you show or do on video chat can indeed be recorded. If you are planning on getting naked, you should at least consider certain precautions. One strategy is to video your face, then cover the camera, and then move the camera to capture your body. This way your body and face are not in the same shot, and there was a separated transition from one to the other.

Though there are always safety issues in hooking up with people online, it is still often safer than hooking up with someone at a bar or late night party. With meeting online, you always have time to carefully plan your first face-to-face encounter. No matter who you have your eye on, however, remember that people are not always as they seem, and being attractive does not exclude them as a potential carrier of a sexually transmitted disease. Though life is too short to live in fear, always govern your life with a healthy dose of common sense. Simply put, video chat makes common sense. It’s also a whole lot of fun. See you online.

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Adult Acne Remedy – Insane Secrets to Achieve Flawless Skin Revealed

Acne problems have often been associated with puberty. However, there are some people who continue to have various forms of acne even as an adult. One common problem faced by many adults is adult acne. Out of all the different types of acne, it is adult acne which has been considered to be the most severe type of acne plaguing adults all over the world.

What is Adult Acne?

Unlike most types of acne where blackheads or whiteheads might be present, adult acne is a type of severe nodular acne brought about infections deep within the pores. The infection causes the development of a cyst-like substance to form and accumulate within the skin. A person that is inflicted with this problem is one who eventually develops low self-esteem and confidence physically. Apart from the painful lesions brought about by adult cystic acne, a person suffering from adult cystic acne would need to deal with constant bleeding of the acne as well as the discharge of the cyst which is often characterized by a foul odor.

Causes of Adult Cystic Acne

No one can really say what causes adult cystic acne. However, there are a number of different probable causes. Some of the causes include:

· Poor hygiene
· Stress
· Hair follicles trapped underneath the surface of the skin
· Unbalanced diet

Treatment for Acne in Adults

While many may consider acne as a normal skin condition, it should not be taken lightly. In fact, in some occasions, a person suffering from this type of acne can eventually develop complications brought up about with the toxins found in the cyst. Here are some common forms of adult cystic treatments:

Prescription Medicines

Perhaps the most common form of treatment is the use of various prescription medications such as Orovo Acne and Oxycerin. These medications come usually in the form of ointments and serums. Prescription medications used in adult acne treatments are applied directly onto the skin. This is then absorbed into the inner layers of the skin, causing it to be able to treat the cyst-like substance characterized among people needing acne treatments.

Surgery

The most extreme form of treatment that is commonly being used is surgery. This type of adult acne treatment is often done is severe conditions. In this case, the depth of the cyst-like substance in the pores cannot be penetrated by other forms of adult acne remedy treatments. Here the cyst-like substance is drained out of the pores completely through a minor surgery procedure. Since this adult acne remedy does promote scarring, many of those who go through this kind of acne treatment are then referred to a cosmetic surgeon to treat the scars.

Rather using any chemical cure, it is always good and advisable to stick with natural cure! As examined before, chemicals might come with side effects, whereas natural cure will never harm you anyways. Natural ingredients like the Omega oils, Aloe Vera, and vitamin oil can create thunders and wonders with respect to adult acne cure. They could even stop swelling, redness and itchiness on your skin. For all these reasons, natural ingredients are always the best for adult acne remedy and treatment.

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Adult Onset Acne – The Facts About Adult Onset Acne

As you get older, you think that your acne will just go away. Think again! Although it is typically associated with teenagers, it is a condition that can continue on our pastor teens and into adulthood. Here are a few simple suggestions that you can use to treat your adult onset acne.

The disease of acne can cause several problems in adults, including social symptoms, physical, psychological symptoms. The same concerns from having regular or cystic acne, as a preteen or teenager, may still affect you as an adult. According to clinical studies, pimples have become a rising problem with adults.

Many adults may find it hard to treat and also difficult to admit that they have acne at all causing them to not seek treatment. Most adults can actually have a more difficult time dealing with the many psychological effects because there are so many misconceptions that occur in our society.

Some people who were affected by extreme cases, especially cystic acne, as teens do grow out of it. However, there are a surprising number of adults suffer from adult onset acne, a variety of that is becoming more academic everyday.

Acne can also cause discomfort in social situations. It will lower their self-confidence. There is a enormous amount of information available about adult acne, and people who are afflicted with this condition. By seeking psychological counseling, they may be better be able to deal with the psychological effects.

Adults need to be more careful with their skin, even more so than a young adult. Dermatologists have stated for years that an adult’s skin is actually more prone to scarring from acne due to loss of collagen as their skin ages. The scars can’t heal as effectively as they would on a teenager, and therefore become more prominent.

So, there are adult acne cures available at your local store and even over-the-counter. The best solutions are typically prescribed by dermatologists. Once the awareness for this disease has increased, more people will be seeking medical help for their adult onset acne.

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Adult Personals – Fulfilling Your Fantasies Through Adult Dating Websites

People are talking about adult personals. There’s no doubt about it. As regular dating sites are seen as too tame to meet their adventurous needs people are posting adult personals through adult dating websites. Every day thousands of people seeking alternative lifestyles write uncensored adult personals ads. Adult dating websites offers an enticing adult dating community where you are free to share and explore your wildest fantasies.

Imagine browsing through adult photo galleries of handsome men and beautiful women of every size and shape – just waiting to respond to your adult personals. There are many adult dating websites that have 100% free trials with no credit card or payment required to register.

In fact, adult personals are extremely steamy and attention grabbing. Upon entering an adult dating website you will find all types of adult personals. The website designs’ are user-friendly so that you can find your preferences whether its swingers personals, married personals, interracial personals, gay personals or BBW personals.

The opportunities offered by adult dating websites includes video chat rooms with sizzling video clips or watch 24hr live webcams of attractive people whose attire leaves little to the imagination. Plus, you can play interactive games or find out about the hottest adult parties and events in your area.

Some of the top adult dating websites are Yahoo adult personals and Adult Friend Finder personals. In the exciting world of adult personals, people are often looking for discreet local relationships.

But before you jump into the world of adult personals or brave the gates of any adult dating website, you should have a healthy self-image and a sense of self-liberation. What’s more, the adult dating sites contain mature material, pictures and contents for individuals seeking alternative encounters.

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Codependence: A Manifestation of the Adult Child Syndrome

1. Codependence as a Concept:

Those who identify with the adult child syndrome-that is, were brought up in a dysfunctional, alcoholic, or abusive home-of-origin and suffer from arrested development-often are also afflicted with a disease known as “codependence.” What does it have to do with the fundamental syndrome and what is it to begin with?

The understanding of a concept can often be augmented with comparisons, which increase the clarity of one when discussed in relation to the other. In this case, oddly, it can be achieved with the field of astronomy and what is known as a binary star.

Consisting of two identical stars, each locks on to the other’s gravity and perpetually orbits the other until one or the other ultimately dies out. They can be considered “codependent,” because they look toward the other and therefore rely on it for their existence. They are not independent.

Adult children may, at times, engage in their own binary star symbiosis with people. But why?

2. Origin of the Term:

Those who live with or are closely associated with those who are chemically or alcoholically dependent for their daily functioning can be considered “codependent,” because they quickly become “dependent” with and through them. Although the primary person may be considered the one afflicted with the disease, the secondary one or ones, who are usually the children chronically exposed to his or her behavior, adopt a byproduct of it, struggling to keep it together and function as optimally and efficiently as they can in the world after childhood circumstances progressively pulled them apart. Liquor and/or other substances need not be present.

Indeed, para-alcoholism, an early term for codependence, implies that a person’s actions are driven by the unresolved, painful emotions and fears he was forced to shelve in order to survive the unstable and sometimes detrimental effects of being raised by the alcoholic himself.

3. Origins, Definitions, and Manifestations of the Disease:

The codependent seed is planted when a person turns his responsibility for his life and happiness to either his ego (false self) or others, becoming preoccupied with them to the extent that he temporarily rises above his own pain and, in its extreme, can entirely forget who he even is, when he consistently mirrors someone else-in other words, if he looks out here to the other, he will not have to look in there to himself.

“Codependence, (a major manifestation of the adult child syndrome), is a disease of lost self-hood,” according to Dr. Charles L. Whitfield in his book, “Co-Dependence: Healing the Human Condition” (Health Communications, 1991, p. 3). “It can mimic, be associated with, aggravate, and even lead to many of the physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual conditions that befall us in daily life.

“When we focus outside of ourselves, we lose touch with what is inside of us: beliefs, thoughts, feelings, decisions, choices, experiences, wants, needs, sensations, intuitions… These and more are part of an exquisite feedback system that we can call our inner life.”

In short, a person can sever his connection with his consciousness and consciousness is who he really is.

Like expecting a home appliance to operate without plugging it into an electric socket, a codependent may merge with and feed off of another to such an extent that he no longer believes he can function independently.

The origins of the malady are the same as those which cause the adult child syndrome.

“The hallmark of codependency is taking care of people who should have been taking care of you,” according to Dr. Susan Powers of the Caron Treatment Centers.

Instead of being self-centered and expecting to get their needs met, children from dysfunctional, alcoholic, or abusive homes are forced, at a very early age, to become other- or parent-centered, meeting their needs, attempting to resolve or fix their deficiencies, and sometimes making Herculean efforts to achieve their love in what may be considered an ultimate role reversal.

If this dynamic could be verbally expressed, the parent would say, “What I can’t do, you’re expected to do yourself, substituting you for me.”

And this reality may well extend beyond themselves, since they are often forced to replace their parents during times that their younger siblings have need for them, becoming surrogate mothers and fathers.

In essence, they disregard their own need for a parent and become one themselves. Instead of being nurtured, they cultivate codependence, since it places them on a path that will entail seeking it in others.

“Our experience shows that the codependent rupture, which creates an outward focus to gain love and affection, is created by a dysfunctional childhood… ,” according to the “Adult Children of Alcoholics” textbook (World Service Organization, 2006, p. 60.) “The soul rupture is the abandonment by our parents or caregivers… (and) sets us up for a life of looking outward for love and safety that never comes.”

This condition is only exacerbated by the same parents who neither support nor permit a child to express or heal his hurts-and may actually be met with denial or shame if he tries to do so-leaving him little choice but to stuff and swallow them, resulting in a repressed, but mounting accumulation of unresolved negative emotions. After repeated squelching of a child’s observations, feelings, and reactions-in essence, his reality-he progressively disconnects from his true self and denies his crucial inner cues.

Unraveling, he is poised on the threshold that leads from in to out-that is, toward others and away from himself, sparking the conflict between his once true and since replaced false self, which manifests itself as codependence.

Forced, additionally, to focus on his parent’s moods, attitudes, and behaviors further plants the roots of this condition, but nevertheless becomes a necessary survival tactic for two primary reasons.

First and foremost, children assume responsibility for their parents’ deficiencies and ill treatment by justifying it, erroneously reasoning that their own flaws, lack of worth, and general unloveability are the culprits for the withholds of their validation and acceptance, thus shifting the burden from the ones who should be carrying it to the one who should not.

Secondly, adopting a sixth sense concerning their parents’ moods becomes a safety gauge and enables them to emotionally and physiologically prepare themselves for what has most likely become habitual and even cyclical negative confrontations of verbal and physical abuse.

As episodes of “expected abnormalcy,” they add insurmountable layers of trauma to the original, but no longer remembered one. Unable, then or now, to use the body’s fight or flight survival mechanisms, yet still drowned in a flood of stress hormones (cortisol) and elevated energy, they have no choice but to tuck themselves into the inner child protective sanctuary they created at a very young age as the only realizable “solution” to the parental-threatened and -inflicted danger, enduring, tolerating, and downright surviving the unfair power play and “punishment” they may believe is being administered because of “deserved discipline.”

Like signals, a mere frown on or cringe of a parent’s face may prime the child for the episodes he knows will assuredly follow. So thick can the tension in the air become at these times, that he can probably cut it with a knife.

Part of the wounding, which reduces a person’s sense of self and esteem and increases his feeling of emptiness, occurs as a result of projective identification. Volatility charged, yet unable to get to the center of or bore through his emotional pain, a parent may project, like a movie on to a screen, parts of himself on to another, such as his vulnerable, captive child, until that child takes on and identifies with the projection.

Releasing and relieving himself, the sender, (the parent) does not have to own or even take responsibility for his negative feelings. If the recipient (the child) ultimately acts them out after repeated projected implanting, whose emotions now mount into uncontainable proportions, the sender may berate or belittle him for them, in an ultimate out-of-persona dynamic, which transfers emotions from one to the other.

“If we have unhealthy boundaries, we are like sponges that absorb the painful, conflicted material of others sent from their inner life,” wrote Whitfield in “Co-Dependence: Healing the Human Condition” (Health Communications, 1991, p. 93). “It is clearly not ours, yet we soak it up.

“(This only causes) the true self to go into hiding to protect itself from the overwhelming pain of mistreatment, abuse, lack of being affirmed and mirrored in a healthy way, and the double and other negative messages from toxic others around it,” he noted.

These incidents, needless to say, become breeding grounds for both the adult child syndrome and its codependent manifestation.

“The adult child syndrome is somewhat interchangeable with the diagnosis of codependence,” according to the “Adult Children of Alcoholics” textbook (World Service Organization, 2006, pp. 6-7). “There are many definitions for codependence; however, the general consensus is that codependent people tend to focus on the wants and needs of others rather than their own. By doing so, the codependent or adult child can avoid his or her own feelings of low self-worth… A codependent focuses on others and their problems to such an extent that the codependent’s life is often adversely affected.”

Part of a codependent’s breeding occurs because a child needs his parents for his emotional and psychological development, yet he often dips into a dry well when he connects with them to achieve this goal, emerging dissatisfied, unfulfilled, and almost stung by the negative, rejecting energy. He may, in fact, implement several strategies to attain what he vitally needs, but will often fail, since his parents themselves never received what he seeks because of their own dysfunctional or incomplete childhoods.

If they could be considered profit-and-loss statements, they would most likely show an emotional deficit and, eventually, so, too, will the child, prompting his ultimate outward- and other- focus.

Bombarded with parental blame and shame, a child can quickly believe that he causes others’ negative or detrimental actions by virtue of his sheer existence, as if he were a negatively influencing entity and may carry both this belief and its burden for most of his life.

“As children, we took responsibility for our parents’ anger, rage, blame, or pitifulness… ,” according to the “Adult Children of Alcoholics” textbook (World Service Organization, 2006, p. 7). “This mistaken perception, born in childhood, is the root of our codependent behavior as adults.”

Dr. Charles L. Whitfield uncovers an even deeper cause.

“The cause of codependence is a wounding of the true self to such an extent that, to survive, it had to go into hiding most of the time, with the subsequent running of its life by the false or codependent self,” he wrote in “Co-Dependence: Healing the Human Condition” (Health Communications, 1991, p. 22). “It is thus a disease of lost self-hood.”

“… The child’s vulnerable true self… is wounded so often that to protect (it), it defensively submerges (splits off) deep within the unconscious part of the psyche,” he also noted (p. 27).

This split, one of the many detriments of codependence, arrests this development, as his inner child remains mired in the initial trauma that necessitated its creation. Although his chronological age may advance, his emotional and psychological progress remains suspended, creating the adult child. His body and physical statue may suggest the first part of this “adult” designation to others, but his reactions may more closely approximate the second “child” part of it.

Conflicted, he may engage in an internal battle he does not entirely understand, as his adult side wishes and needs to function at an age-appropriate level, but his child half clings to the sting of his unresolved harm, seeking sanctuary and safety. He is unable to satisfy both.

People naturally seek relief from pain and addictions and compulsions, a second manifestation of codependence, is one of the methods they employ, especially since they lack any understanding about their affliction. Because they spark the brain’s reward system, however, they only provide temporary, fleeting fixes, not solutions.

Exacerbating this dilemma is the fact that they flow from a false sense of self, which itself can only be mollified, quelled, or deceptively filled by these means.

Since their childhood circumstances were both familiar and normal to them, they subconsciously may also attract, now as adult children, those with similar upbringings by means of sixth-sense intuitions or identifications, creating a third codependent manifestation.

“… On (an even) deeper level,” according to Whitefield in “Co-Dependence: Healing the Human Condition” (Health Communications, 1991, p. 54), “they may also be drawn to one another in a search to heal their unfinished business and, perhaps more importantly, their lost self.”

Nevertheless, inter-relating with others who themselves function from the deficit-dug holes in their souls, they only re-create the childhood dynamics they experienced with their parents, substituting their partners for them and suffering a secondary form of wounding over and above the primary one sustained in childhood. In effect, they become another link in the intergenerational chain.

Even if they encounter whole, loving people, who are able to provide the needed acceptance and validation they crave, they are unable to accept it, since they do not function from the true self that otherwise could-nor, in the event, do they even believe that they deserve it. It bounces off of them like an image on a mirror, only creating yet a fourth byproduct of codependence.

Aside from the codependent foundation laid in childhood by dysfunctional parents, who themselves were wounded and caused the adult child syndrome upon which its codependent aspect was based, the condition is far more prevalent in society than may at first be apparent. Continually, but sometimes subtly modeled, it can almost be considered contagious.

4. Identifying Codependence:

One of the frustrating aspects of codependence is that it either wears a disguise or remains altogether hidden, prompting the behavioral modifications and almost-scripted roles of those who suffer from it, such as rescuer, people-pleaser, perfectionist, overachiever, victim, martyr, lost child, comedian, mascot, bully, and even abuser, that deludes others to the fact that it is present. The motivation for such behavior is not always immediately apparent.

Nevertheless, there are several traits which characterize codependence.

Sparked by the need to protect the traumatized inner child and arising, in part, from disordered relationships, it results, first and foremost, in the creation of the false self, which replaces the genuine, intrinsic one, and becomes the root of all other addictions and compulsions. The emptier a person feels inside, the more he seeks to fill that void outside.

“Codependence is not only the most common addiction,” according to Whitefield in “Co-Dependence: Healing the Human Condition” (Health Communications, 1991, pp. 5-6), “it is the base out of which all our other addictions and compulsions emerge. Underneath nearly every addiction and compulsion lies codependence. And what runs them is twofold: a sense of shame that our true self is somehow defective or inadequate, combined with the innate and healthy drive of our true self that does not realize and (cannot) express itself. The addiction, compulsion, or disorder becomes the manifestation of the erroneous notion that something outside ourselves can make us happy and fulfilled.”

And underlying codependence is shame and a deep belief that the person is inadequate, incomplete, and flawed.

Avoiding his own negative feelings and painful past, he becomes externally and other-focused, yet is unable to genuinely connect with them, with himself, or with a Higher Power of his understanding through the false or pseudo-self he was forced to create. In fact, this has the opposite or repelling effect.

His boundaries, another aspect of the disease, may be distorted, undefined, and extend beyond himself.

Finally, as a defense, codependence is learned, acquired, progressive, and inextricably tied to the adult child syndrome, since the false self serves as the link between the two.

5. Codependence and the Brain:

Codependence is both additive and breeds addictions. People’s actions are usually motivated by rewards and, in this case, the reward is the temporary disconnection from their painful pasts by focusing on others and the belief that doing so will bring them happiness and fulfillment, as they attempt to avoid their own emptiness and negative self-feelings.

Although they feel flawed because of their upbringing, the real flaw is that an external source can fill and replace an internal one. The more they look toward others, the more they deny and disconnect from their own needs, wants, and deficits.

“This love deficit condemns us to an existence of addiction, para-alcoholism, codependence, or seeking some other outward source to heal an inward feeling of being unwanted or defective,” according to the “Adult Children of Alcoholics” textbook (World Service Organization, 2006, p. 438).

Although certain strategies can temporarily relieve their adverse condition, such as avoiding, depending, obsessing, and compulsing, excessive reliance upon them, as ultimately occurs with codependence, exaggerates them and elevates them to addiction levels, transforming their “benefits” into deficits. Yet doing so is not a solution, since it fails to address the underlying reason for it and only ends up creating what can be considered a byproduct problem.

The more a person seeks gratification to rise above his unresolved past, the more he reinforces the neuro-pathway to pleasure in his brain, cementing the belief that this “other-person” addiction can provide satisfaction through external means-so much so, in fact, that the moment his “fix” is removed or is even threatened to be removed, he crashes and falls back into his pit of pain.

Like all addictions, however, its affects to not end there: indeed, the brain eventually creates a tolerance for them, demanding ever greater quantities, frequencies, and intensities to satisfy him, until he becomes that proverbial binary star, orbiting around others, unable to function without them, as he becomes nothing more than his mirror image.

“Just as we develop a tolerance to the effects of chemicals, we develop a tolerance to the effects of our behaviors… ,” according to Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse and Joseph Cruse in their book, “Understanding Codependency: The Science Behind it and How to Break the Cycle” (Health Communications, 2012, p. 33). “This vicious, one-way circle is a trap that ends in depression, isolation, institutions, and sometimes death.”

Excessive psychological and emotional reliance on others is, in essence, an exaggeration of normal personality traits and can ultimately disable a person, culminating in the disease of codependence. The way the body can quickly become dependent upon mood-altering chemicals, it can equally become physically dependent upon behaviors to the point that compulsions serve as his armament.

“The disease of codependency can be seen as a personal struggle with a variety of compulsive disorders,” Wegscheider-Cruse and Cruse wrote (Ibid, p. 131). “People… have lived in a condition of denial, distorted feelings, and compulsive behaviors, and as a result they have developed low self-worth, deep shame, inadequacy, and anger.”

But the codependent erroneously believes two mistruths. One is that he is intrinsically flawed and the other is that someone outside of himself can fill what he already possesses inside of himself.

6. Recovery:

Problems can be painful, but can often point to solutions-or, at the very least, that they need to be sought.

“Rather than being simply an escape from reality,” wrote Whitfield in “Co-Dependence: Healing the Human Condition” (Health Communications, 1991, p. 98), “codependence is also a search. It starts out as a search for happiness and fulfillment outside ourselves. After repeated frustration, it ultimately becomes a search for inner wholeness and completion.”

Unless recovery is undertaken, usually through therapy and twelve-step program venues, and understanding is achieved, the mistreatment, dysfunction, and abuse that causes a person’s early wound and transforms him into an adult child will only perpetuate, suppressing, paralyzing, or altogether removing the tenets of positive emotions, trust, and love needed for healthy human life and increasing the chances of its byproduct, codependence, by placing him on the fruitless path of looking outside of himself for fulfillment until it reaches addiction levels.

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Understanding the Necessary Changes for Adult Education

When a person decides to continue their education beyond high school, many times they will assume that this new education will be similar to the old education they received. The prospective student makes plans to do what they did before. After all, it worked then, so it should work now. This assumption of similarity leads many new adult students so far astray that they cannot modify their behavior, which means they will typically not complete their program of study, and will not receive the desired degree. All from a bad assumption.

The Cause of the Differences

The reasons high school and adult educations are so different stem from two distinct differences between the two styles of education: the source and the target. When you change the source of the education process, which is the beliefs and assumptions about the student, and the target of the education process, which is the desired level of understanding, it is not unreasonable that the process will change as well.

Adult education starts from a very different image of the student than high school. A high school student usually lives at home, with some level of support from parents. A high school student is also relatively free of responsibilities; very seldom does a high school student have a full-time job, a family, and a household to support. And a high school student is typically very inexperienced in running their own lives. Adult students tend to live on their own, with jobs and families and other responsibilities which must be balanced with school. Briefly, high school students are adolescents while adult students are, well, adults.

The goal of a high school education is to provide a foundational level of understanding of the world the student will be entering. High school classes are designed for a general population and to provide an understanding of the skills and knowledge that is needed for a new adult. Adult education is designed for a much more focused result, providing a more in-depth understanding of a particular subject matter. This focus means that other skills and other aspects of the student are ignored by the courses of an adult program of study.

Implications for the Student

An adult student must approach their courses with a different mindset, and a different set of behaviors, than a high school student. The adult student is given more control over their behavior, and more responsibility.

An adult student is responsible for making sure the work for the class is done, not the teacher. The student will be periodically reminded about missing and upcoming work, but the responsibility for getting the work done is the student’s, not the teacher’s. Many teachers will not allow for late work, or will penalize late work severely. And much of the work of adult classes is done outside of the class.

Classes in adult education cover more material in the same period of time. The teacher will often cover the material once or twice with the assumption that any student who does not understand will work outside of class to learn it and/or will come visit the instructor during office hours. While the adult can expect some repetition in the class, it will be significantly less than what they experienced in high school.

Adult students need to practice time management to a much greater degree than high school students. This need for time management comes from both the increased work load from the course and from the other facets of the student’s life. Adult students are assumed to handle this time management, and if they are having problems they need to seek the necessary help.

Finally, adult students are responsible for their own commitment to the course. High school teachers, given the adolescent nature of their students, are constantly working to get the student to understand why something is studied. This is much less important to an adult teacher; while an adult teacher may provide some justification for the study of certain subjects, the justification for being in school should already be present in an adult student. It is, after all, the student’s choice to attend.

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The Adult Child Syndrome

What exactly is an adult child? Is he a miniaturized adult who somehow never crossed the border from childhood? Was his maturity and development somehow stunted? Does he behave differently? What could have caused all of this to begin with?

“The term ‘adult child’ is used to describe adults who grew up in alcoholic or dysfunctional homes and who exhibit identifiable traits that reveal past abuse or neglect,” according to the “Adult Children of Alcoholics” textbook (World Service Organization, 2006, p. xiii).

“(It) means that we respond to adult interactions with the fear and self-doubt learned as children,” it continues (p. 3). “The undercurrent of hidden fear can sabotage our choices and relationships. We can appear outwardly confident while living with a constant question of our worth.”

But it is much more than this. Home, as is often said, is where the heart is, but in those of adult children there was most likely little heart, when “heart” is defined as “love.”

Self-worth and -esteem result from parental warmth, nurture, respect, clearly defined limits and boundaries, and, above all, love, yet adult children received fewer of these qualities than they needed. Whether their parents were alcoholic, dysfunctional, or abusive people, or they exhibited this behavior without the liquid substance because they themselves were exposed to it during their own upbringings, their children fielded, reacted to, and just downright survived it without choice, recourse, defense, or protection.

Despite advancing age, they all share the same inadequate, anxiety-based feelings which force them into lonely and isolated exile, cut off from the world, but very much suffering in the one they were forced to create in their minds. Suspended in time, their negative and inferior self-feelings, image, and beliefs neither unravel nor die out until and unless recovery intervention methods arrest their downward spiral.

The severity of their home environments is sometimes subtle, but not to be underestimated and not entirely conveyable to those who were never exposed to them by words alone.

“Being home was like being in hell,” according to Janet Geringer Woititz in her book, “Adult Children of Alcoholics” (Health Communications, 1983, p. 9). “The tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife. The nervous, angry feeling was in the air. Nobody had to say a word, as everybody could feel it… There was no way to get away from it, no place to hide… ”

Although they felt physically and emotionally alone, their thoughts, emotions, fears, feelings, and impairments were and are shared by approximately 28 million other adult children in the United States alone-or one in every eight-yet they never identified themselves as belonging to this group if they had even heard of the term.

Exposed, from an early age, to detrimental behavior and often fighting to survive it, they paradoxically attributed it to their own inadequacies and unloveability, unknowingly causing the rewire of their brains to do so, which ultimately impaired their functioning and arrested their development.

In the mostly unlikely event that their parents expunged themselves from their own denial, took responsibility for their damaging behavior, and explained the origin of it, their offspring quickly accepted this abnormality as “normal.” Because they felt so different and defective, why would they divulge this secret about themselves that they desperately tried to conceal from others?

A child determines who he is by the input of the significant people around him. Initially, he finds out who he is by what other people say to him and he internalizes these messages.

“Messages,” however, are not just shelved thoughts, but painful, buried feelings.
You are not willing to acknowledge the intensity of feelings that children are bound to have when the bond between them and their parents is threatened.

And that bond may be the first thing that breaks them and interrupts their development toward adulthood.

Although they may have made transformative adjustments and Herculean efforts to survive parents whose betraying, harmful behavior was fueled by alcoholic toxins, they attempted to manage and decipher irrationality and emerged as physically identifiable adults, but did so with frightened inner children who viewed the world the way it was portrayed in their homes-of-origin.

Because they learned what they lived, as do all children, they saw others through unresolved wounds and adopted distorted realities, believing that their parents were representatives of them and were left with little choice but to pursue their paths with distrust and survival-augmenting traits and characteristics, never having understood why they were so treated nor having emotionally extricated themselves from the circumstances.

“Adult children of alcoholics… are especially vulnerable to the pull of past experiences and past survival tactics,” wrote Emily Marlin in “Hope: New Choices and Recovery Strategies for Adult Children of Alcoholics” (Harper and Row Publishers, 1987, pp. xiii-xiv). “Many of us came to function as adults under the painful influences of the families in which we were raised. Often, we continue to be plagued with feelings of hurt, anger, fear, humiliation, sadness, shame, guilt, shyness, being different, confusion, unworthiness, isolation, distrust, anxiety, and depression.”

She emphasizes how yesterday’s environment influences today’s view.

Too often, children who grew up in unhappy homes fall into the habit of viewing the world today in the same bleak way of yesterday.

So pinned to this past can they become, that there is sometimes difficulty in differentiating it from the present.

Our memories of the past are often so strong and painful, that the slightest association can take us back to these troubled, unhappy times-and we think that a similar situation in the present is going to have the same old results.

Frozen incidents, abuses, feelings, and wounds further ensure that they remain emotionally mired at their points of creation, despite what their physical ages may say to the contrary. If defrosted, they may fear an avalanche, ultimately fearing their fear and resulting, at times, in child-like behavior, further pinning them to their pasts.

No matter what our age, no matter how terrible our rage, we never really leave home. And, as many adult children of alcoholics know only too well, we cannot escape our families simply by creating physical or emotional distance.

Indeed, because of ill-defined boundaries, the internalization of their parents, and their unresolved negative emotions, they take them with them. They are inside of them now as much as they had been outside of them then.

Yet they may not know this until reactions, fears, and their inability to optimally function alert them when they allegedly enter the adult phase of their lives.

Growing up in the highly stressful environment of an alcoholic family creates wounds that often go underground. When they emerge later in life, it isn’t easy to connect these wounds with their real source.

Part of this dilemma stems from the denial they were forced to adopt to minimize the danger to which they were routinely exposed.

Adult children of alcoholics have to avoid being fully aware of the potential explosiveness of their parent’s alcoholism in order to maintain some semblance of normalcy in their daily lives.

Surviving a childhood such as this results in numerous behavioral manifestations, the first of which is defining what normalcy even is.

Adult children of alcoholics guess at which normal is. They simply have no experience with it.

That their experience was “abnormal” was never acknowledged, since no one gave even a nod toward, much less explanation of, the volatile, sometimes damaging enactments that played out in their homes.

While “normal” may not be a mathematical formula or distinct set of rules, its common denominator in healthy families is the love that emotionally binds its members together, while denial in unhealthy ones is the one that tears them apart.
Because the former was often absent, they may seek this normalcy later in life by observing and then attempting to imitate others they believe portray it.

But as long as you are choosing actions and feelings to reflect what you imagine to be normal, your experience can never be beyond feeling as if you are normal.

They may, however, achieve academy award statuses as actors.

Many adult children of alcoholics, even some of those in deep denial, are aware of a strange split within themselves between how competent they may look on the outside and how much of a loss they feel internally.

Although they may not know that their feelings are different from those of others, they usually realize that the behavior of others does not seem to reflect the feelings they have and consequently may subtly and subconsciously begin to suspect that theirs are different.

Another manifestation of the adult child syndrome is distrust. Having lived in an unstable, unsafe, and unpredictable environment in which psychological, emotional, mental, and physical abuse was most likely administered with almost routine regularity, and having had their trust betrayed by the very parents who should have most been there to protect them, they learned to negotiate the world in a distrusting, sometimes hypervigilant state.

Growing up in combat zones makes children very self-protective. Our survival depended upon our ability to react first and think later. We often had to remove ourselves from dangerous situations. After growing up, we are likely to continue reacting quickly. Not being able to trust people put us on the defensive.

Following well-worn neuropathways and filtering people and situations through the primitive brain’s amygdala, which controls a person’s fight or flight response, adult children subconsciously transpose their childhood circumstances to those of their adult ones, having no reason to doubt that, if their “loving” caregivers treated them in such detrimental manners, that those in the outside world who have far less invested in them will assuredly do the same

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